How to Help a Shy Child Feel More Confident (Without Pushing Too Hard)

Some children run into a room and start talking to everyone. Others hang back, hold a hand a little tighter and watch for a while first. Both are completely normal.

Shyness is a feeling, and like every feeling, it's okay. Our job isn't to make a shy child outgoing. It's to help them feel safe enough to take small steps when they're ready. Here's what helps.

Avoid the "shy" label in front of them

When adults say "Oh, she's just shy" in front of a child, the child hears it as a fact about who they are. Try describing the moment instead: "You like to watch for a bit before you join in. That's okay."

Prepare for new situations

Much of shyness is uncertainty. Talk through what will happen before a party, a new class or a visit: who will be there, what you'll do, and what your child can do if they need a break. Arriving a little early, before the room gets busy, can help too.

Celebrate small brave steps

Saying hello, ordering their own drink, or waving to a friend are all brave for a shy child. Notice them and praise the effort, not the outcome: "You said hello even though you felt nervous. That was brave."

Don't force it

Pushing a child to perform, speak or hug someone usually makes shyness stronger. Give them time to warm up and a way out if they need it. Most shy children join in once they feel safe.

One good friend is plenty

Shy children often do best with one or two close friends rather than a big group. Playdates with a single child at home, where they feel comfortable, are a great place to build confidence.

Read about it together

Stories let children explore a feeling from a safe distance. In That's Shy, the newest book in the That's Okay series, Shy goes on a jungle adventure with a gentle dinosaur called Tooth. Along the way, Shy discovers that feeling shy is okay, that one good friend is plenty, and that a big imagination can make any day fun.

When to ask for help

If shyness is stopping your child from speaking in certain places, like school, over a long period, or is causing a lot of distress, talk to their teacher, the school SENCO or your GP. Extra support early on can make a real difference.

That's Shy is included in The Complete Feelings Collection. See The Complete Feelings Collection: 4 picture books, the colouring book, a Parent & Teacher Guide and instant digital extras, with free UK delivery.