How to Explain Death to a Child: A Gentle Guide for Parents and Carers

Telling a child that someone has died is one of the hardest conversations an adult can have. Many parents worry about saying the wrong thing, so they say very little, or soften the news so much that the child doesn't understand what has happened.

This guide sets out how to explain death to a child in a way that is honest and gentle, what to expect at different ages, how to answer the questions children tend to ask, and where to find more support in the UK.

Use clear, honest words

The most useful thing you can do is use the words "died" and "dead". They can feel harsh to say, but children take language literally, and the softer phrases adults reach for often cause confusion or fear.

• "We lost Grandad" can make a child think he might be found, or that they could get lost too.
• "She's gone to sleep" can make bedtime frightening.
• "He's gone away" can leave a child waiting for him to come back, or feeling he chose to leave them.

A short, plain explanation works best to begin with. For example: "I have some very sad news. Nana has died. Her body stopped working, and she can't breathe, eat or feel any pain any more. She won't come back, and that's very sad. It's okay to feel however you feel."

Explain the cause in simple terms where you can ("She was very, very poorly, much more poorly than when we catch a cold"), so a child doesn't start to fear that every illness or accident ends in death.

What children understand at different ages

Every child is different, and children with SEND may need things explained more concretely or more than once. As a rough guide:

• Under 5: young children often don't understand that death is permanent. They may ask when the person is coming back, many times over. Answer patiently and consistently each time.
• 5 to 8: children start to understand that death is permanent and happens to everyone. They may worry that it was somehow their fault, or that someone else they rely on will die soon.
• 9 to 12: older children understand death much as adults do, but may hide their feelings to protect the adults around them. They often want more detail about what happened.
• Teenagers: may turn to friends rather than family, and may swing between seeming fine and being very upset.

The feelings that can come with grief

Children don't always show grief in the way adults expect. A child may cry one minute and ask to go out and play the next. This is normal, and is sometimes described as "puddle jumping": stepping in and out of sadness.

Grief can show up as anger, guilt, confusion, fear, worry, emptiness, or even feeling nothing at all. It can also show up in behaviour, such as clinginess, trouble sleeping, tummy aches, or acting younger than their age. Naming these feelings helps a child understand that what they feel is part of grieving, and that it's okay.

That's the idea behind That's Grief, the book I illustrated with Michelle Barton, an ELSA who supported several children through bereavement. Sixteen creatures each carry a feeling that can come with grief, from denial to acceptance, with what a child might want to do and why they might feel that way.

Answering the questions children ask

Children often come back to the same questions, sometimes days or weeks later. It's fine to say "I don't know" or "That's a good question, let me think about it." Some common ones:

"Was it my fault?"
Many children quietly believe something they did, said or thought caused the death. Tell them clearly, and more than once, that nothing they did or thought made it happen.

"Are you going to die too?"
Be honest but reassuring: "Everyone dies one day, but I expect to be here for a very long time, and to look after you while you grow up." Let them know who else would take care of them.

"Where are they now?"
Share what your family believes, whether that's religious or not. If you're not sure, it's fine to say that people believe different things, and to talk about how the person lives on in memories.

"Can I still talk about them?"
Yes. Children often take their cue from adults, so mentioning the person by name, looking at photos and sharing stories shows them it's safe to remember.

Should a child go to the funeral?

Most bereavement charities suggest giving children the choice. Explain beforehand what will happen: who will be there, what the coffin is, that people may cry, and how long it will last. Some children want to go, some want to be part of it in a small way (choosing a song, drawing a picture, placing a flower), and some prefer not to. Any of these is okay.

Let school know

Tell your child's school or nursery as soon as you can. Teachers, ELSAs and pastoral staff can keep an eye on how they're doing, give them a quiet space if they need one, and avoid moments that might catch them off guard, such as making Mother's Day or Father's Day cards. Many schools already use books and feelings resources to support bereaved children.

Ways to help a child express their grief

• Read together. A picture book gives a child words for feelings, and gives you a gentle way in. I've put together a guide to children's books about grief.
• Make a memory box with photos, small objects and notes about the person who died. There are more ideas in my guide to grief activities for children.
• Draw or colour. Many children find it easier to show a feeling than to say it. The That's Grief Colouring Book has the same creatures from the book to colour in.
• Keep routines going where you can. Familiar meals, school runs and bedtimes help a child feel safe.
• Look after yourself. Children learn how to grieve by watching the adults around them. It's okay for them to see you upset, and to hear you say how you feel.

When to look for more help

Grief doesn't follow a timetable, and there's no right amount of time to feel sad. It's worth speaking to your GP, school or a bereavement service if, after some months, a child is still struggling with sleep, eating, school or friendships, is very withdrawn or very angry most of the time, or talks about wanting to be with the person who died.

Support for bereaved children in the UK

• Winston's Wish: support for bereaved children, young people and the adults caring for them, including a helpline and online resources.
• Child Bereavement UK: support and information for families and schools when a child is bereaved or a child dies.
• Cruse Bereavement Support: support for anyone who is grieving, with guidance on helping children.

There's no perfect way to tell a child that someone has died. Being honest, staying close, and letting them know that every feeling is okay will help more than finding the exact right words.