Gifts for a Grieving Child: Thoughtful Ideas When a Child Has Lost Someone

When a child has lost a parent, grandparent, brother, sister or friend, the adults around them often want to do something but aren't sure what. Flowers and cards tend to go to the grown-ups. A small, thoughtful gift for the child shows them they haven't been forgotten, and can give them something to hold on to in the weeks ahead.

This guide covers gift ideas for a grieving child, what to write in a card, and a few things to avoid.

What makes a good gift for a grieving child

• Something comforting that they can hold, wear or keep close at bedtime.
• Something that helps them remember the person who died, at their own pace.
• Something that gives them words for their feelings, such as a book or activity they can share with a grown-up.
• Something simple. A grieving family has a lot to manage. A gift that needs setting up, charging or lots of supervision can add to that.

Books that help children understand grief

A picture book is one of the most useful things you can give. It gives the child words for what they feel, and gives a parent or carer a gentle way to start talking.

That's Grief was created by Michelle Barton, an ELSA who supported several children through bereavement, and illustrated by me. Sixteen colourful creatures each carry a feeling that can come with grief, from angry and confused to hopeful and okay, and show the child that every one of those feelings is okay. It works well for younger children and children with SEND, as the words are simple and each feeling has picture symbols.

For other well-regarded titles, see my guide to children's books about grief.

Gifts for expressing feelings

• A colouring book. The That's Grief Colouring Book has the same creatures as the picture book, with space to write or draw their own feelings. Pair it with a pack of good pencils.
• A feelings journal. Older children may prefer to write or draw privately. The printable Feelings Journal gives them prompts if a blank page feels too much.
• Something calming for bedtime. Sleep is often disrupted by grief. That's Calm is a guided meditation picture book that can become part of a settling routine.

Gifts for remembering

• A memory box they can decorate and fill with photos and keepsakes.
• A photo frame or small album with a picture of them with the person who died. Check with the family first which photos they'd like used.
• A memory cushion or teddy made from the person's clothing. Several small UK makers offer this, though it's a gift best arranged with, or by, the family.
• A plant, bulbs or a small tree to grow in memory of the person.
• A jar and paper slips to start a memory jar, with a few memories of your own already written inside.

There are more ideas in my guide to grief activities for children.

Gifts for comfort

• A soft toy or comfort blanket, especially for younger children.
• A cosy hoodie or jumper to wear on hard days.
• An experience with you, such as a trip to the park, the cinema or for hot chocolate. Time and attention can matter more than anything you buy.

What to write in a card to a grieving child

Keep it short, honest and warm. You don't need to explain the death or offer answers. A few examples:

• "I'm so sorry that your grandad died. I'm thinking about you."
• "Your mum was so proud of you. I'm here if you ever want to talk about her."
• "I remember when your dad taught us all to play cricket on the beach. I'll always remember that day."
• "You might feel lots of different things right now, and that's okay."

Using the person's name, and sharing a real memory, shows the child that it's okay to talk about them.

Things to avoid

• Phrases like "they're in a better place" or "be brave for your mum". These can confuse a child or make them feel they shouldn't show how they feel.
• Gifts that try to cheer them up too quickly. It's fine for the gift to acknowledge that this is a sad time.
• Anything that makes assumptions about the family's beliefs about what happens after death.

Don't forget the weeks and months after

Most support arrives in the first couple of weeks, then fades. A card or small gift on a birthday, an anniversary, Mother's or Father's Day, or the first Christmas can mean a great deal to a child who is still grieving long after everyone else has moved on.

If you're a parent or carer looking for guidance on the first conversation, see how to explain death to a child. For specialist support, Winston's Wish and Child Bereavement UK both support bereaved children and families across the UK.